I’ve only played bingo once before in my life. We were on a family cruise when I was younger and we went to one of the bingo sessions on the ship. Everyone got one of these little cards that you would punch out the number after it was called. I remember the bingo caller would say funny things when calling the numbers – one I will never forget is when they would call B11, they would say “B11, sexy legs 11, shave them or braid them!”
And I also remember that I had won that bingo game, $100 to be exact.
Ahhhh yes…those were the days when bingo was fun and innocent. Now it is a cutthroat sport full of secrets and lies.
Allow me to explain.
My brother-in-law Kyle texted me on Wednesday and was all like, “Hey, we are headed to bingo tomorrow, did you want to come?” and of course I was all like, “Absolutely! This sounds like fun, I’ll be there!”
So I head to bingo with Kyle, his girlfriend Sara, and my mother-in-law. Now keep this in mind, they all have played bingo before. I haven’t. I was the odd man out. We stood in line, bought our boards, and I thought all was well.
Boy was I wrong. Please take a look at this picture…try not to let it give you a panic attack. These blue ones facing me were all my boards:
I’ll let you in on a little secret…I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING. And to make matters worse, NONE OF THE PEOPLE I WAS WITH TOLD ME WHAT TO DO. They didn’t butt in and say, “Hey Lindsay, you might not want to buy all of those boards because you will have an aneurism.” None of the people selling me the boards said, “Woah there cheetah, slow down, are you crazy?” They sold me these boards with a smile on their face…LIES I TELL YOU, ALL LIES.
But lucky for me, Kyle, for some odd reason, followed suit and bought just as many as I did. We both looked insane.
And did you know that you actually have to come to bingo with supplies? Sara was armed with the bingo dabbers and tape, to tape our boards together so it was easier to handle. People around us had food and drinks like it was a picnic. Well, that’s because bingo lasts for 3 hours. They have an intermission. I was waiting for the Sabres zamboni to come out and sweep away our discarded crumpled bingo boards.
And did you also know that they make BINGO BAGS?!? Observe:
I’m pretty sure that I was getting the side-eye from every old lady with a bingo bag and a shamrock headband and troll doll in tow.
I tweeted this picture before it started…needless to say I was nervous and doubting my self-worth.
Guys, when they started calling numbers, I seriously could not keep up. I was literally two seconds away from standing up and dropping my bingo dabber all Kanye-style and yelling, “Yo bingo lady, Imma let you finish, but let me just say that the Carnival cruise of 1996 was the best bingo of all time!” and walking out of those church doors. But neither Jesus nor Kanye likes a quitter, right?
So I abandoned ship on 6 of those hell-beasts after the first round, and then I actually started to have fun. Keeping track of 15 boards is much easier than keeping track of 21 boards, and even that was pushing my limit.
I am pleasantly surprised and delighted to say that we did not get kicked out, even after I kept saying “Sexy legs 11, shave them or braid them!” when they would call B11.
We didn’t win a damn thing, but we did have a lot of fun. And I think next time I go to bingo I will be armed with my own bingo bag, shamrock headband, and troll doll.
One quick question, if you yell “I got it!” instead of ‘Bingo!”, can they refuse you your winnings?
For you Buffalo bingo-enthusiasts out there, there is actually a website that shows you all of the bingo games happening locally.